Lesson 10: The Role of Family and Friends in Shaping Habits

Welcome to the fourth and final week of 30 Days to Better Habits. One of my primary objectives this week is to give you the resources you need to stick with your habits for the long run.

In this lesson, we’re discussing one of the most powerful drivers of habits and behavior change: the social environment.

The way that social environment influences our habits is through the tribes we belong to and the groups we are a part of.

We are all part of multiple tribes. The tribes we belong to shape our behavior.

This is true in large and small ways. Large tribes like nations, religions, and businesses can influence our behavior. And small tribes like what neighborhood you live in, what school you go to, or what organization you volunteer with can also influence your behavior.

The key factor in any of these tribes is that we have a sense of belonging. When you want to belong to a tribe, you want to repeat the habits of that tribe. We naturally soak up the habits of those around us.

If you move to a new neighborhood where your neighbors meticulously maintain their lawns, you might start gardening or landscaping your lawn too.

If you start going to a CrossFit class where all your classmates eat a Paleo diet, you might start eating that way too.

If you join a church or mosque that values community service, you might start volunteering your time as well.

Your culture sets your expectation for what is “normal.” Surround yourself with people who have the habits you want to have yourself. You’ll rise together.

Mike Massimino, an astronaut, is a perfect example of this concept. Massimino took a small robotics class at MIT. Of the ten people in the class, four became astronauts. If the goal was to make it into space, then that room was one of the best tribes to be in. The “normal” level of performance in that room was much higher than average. Massimino soaked up all sorts of habits related to becoming an astronaut, many of which he probably wasn’t even aware of.

This strategy can be utilized no matter what habits you desire to build. The key step is to join a group where your desired behavior is the normal behavior.

New habits seem achievable when you see others doing them every day. If you’re surrounded by readers, you’re more likely to consider reading to be a common habit. If you’re surrounded by people who recycle, you’re more likely to start recycling too. If your child is surrounded by friends who value studying and getting good grades, he or she will likely develop studious habits too.

Whenever I’m writing at home office and I get stuck, my mind immediately looks for ways to check out. I’ll pull out my phone, browse the web, or head to the kitchen in search of food. But sometimes I call another writer friend and we work together for a few hours. If I’m with a peer and my mind stalls, I just sit there for a minute or two until the mental block passes. I don’t want to be the lazy one who stops working after a few minutes, and as a result, I get three times as much done as I do on my own.

My friends who meditate tell me the same thing: it is much easier to do with someone else. When you’re meditating alone, you can give up whenever your mind wanders. Maybe you were planning on doing ten minutes of meditation, but it’s been seven minutes and, whatever, that’s good enough. But when you’re meditating with a friend and seven minutes pass, well, you don’t want to be the first one to quit. You’ll sit there the entire time.

Nothing sustains motivation better than belonging to the tribe. It transforms a personal quest into a shared one. Previously, you were on your own. Your identity was singular. You are a reader. You are a musician. You are an athlete.

When you join a book club or a band or a cycling group, your identity becomes linked to those around you. Growth and change is no longer an individual pursuit. We are readers. We are musicians. We are cyclists.

The shared identity begins to reinforce your personal identity. This is why remaining part of a group after achieving a goal is crucial to maintaining your habits. It’s friendship and community that embed a new identity and help behaviors last over the long run.

That’s all for Lesson 10. See you in the next lesson,

James Clear ​
Author of the million-copy bestseller, Atomic Habits​
Creator of the Habit Journal

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Progress Check-In

This is the fourth and final week of 30 Days to Better Habits. One of my primary objectives this week is to give you the resources you need to stick with your habits for the long run. The social environment plays a large role in your willingness to adhere to a habit over time.

Helpful bonuses and downloads

• Workbook – This 20-page PDF includes an action checklist (including templates for key strategies) for each lesson of the course, plus lesson summaries and a key terms dictionary.
• Examples Database – The examples database is a Google Sheet of 140+ examples of how to implement each strategy covered in this course for dozens of different habits.

References and further reading

• For more on the role of family and friends in shaping your habits, see Chapter 9 of Atomic Habits.
• For more on accountability partners, see Chapter 17 of Atomic Habits.
• Of the ten people in the class, four became astronauts: Mike Massimino, “Finding the Difference between ‘Improbable’ and ‘Impossible,’” interview by James Altucher, The James Altucher Show, January 2017.